i have been heartless.

The full text can be found users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html. I sort of did a mini-critical analysis of the essay in hard copy and I'm quite disappointed with what I see are fallacies and flaws in his argument. Especially since it's an essay that has been 'hailed by The Independent as "devastating in its use of cold logic", and listed in the New York Public Library's list of the most influential books of the 20th century.' Hmm. Perhaps it's because it's no longer/not as relevant or applicable to our time, being delivered in 1927.

Hmm.. there are some questions raised, some of which, I have questioned before, which I feel must be read in context (something I think we sometimes forget, which I was reminded of during friday's OCF), and so I will pursue them (hopefully when I find the time to), having being reminded by this essay.

He also shared this view: 'One is often told that it is a very wrong thing to attack religion, because religion makes men virtuous. So I am told; I have not noticed it.' And he goes on to share the parody of that argument in Samuel Butler's book, Erewhon Revisited, which I would love to read, cos Wiki says that it influenced Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. (! =D)


And finally, I share the last two paragraphs, which I felt was most relevant to what I think about religion, but I don't necessary agree with all of it:

Fear, the Foundation of Religion

Religion is based, I think, primarily and mainly upon fear. It is partly the terror of the unknown and partly, as I have said, the wish to feel that you have a kind of elder brother who will stand by you in all your troubles and disputes [He mentions earlier: Then I think that the next most powerful reason is the wish for safety, a sort of feeling that there is a big brother who will look after you.]. Fear is the basis of the whole thing -- fear of the mysterious, fear of defeat, fear of death. Fear is the parent of cruelty, and therefore it is no wonder if cruelty and religion have gone hand in hand. It is because fear is at the basis of those two things. In this world we can now begin a little to understand things, and a little to master them by help of science, which has forced its way step by step against the Christian religion, against the churches, and against the opposition of all the old precepts. Science can help us to get over this craven fear in which mankind has lived for so many generations. Science can teach us, and I think our own hearts can teach us, no longer to look around for imaginary supports, no longer to invent allies in the sky, but rather to look to our own efforts here below to make this world a better place to live in, instead of the sort of place that the churches in all these centuries have made it.

What We Must Do

We want to stand upon our own feet and look fair and square at the world -- its good facts, its bad facts, its beauties, and its ugliness; see the world as it is and be not afraid of it. Conquer the world by intelligence and not merely by being slavishly subdued by the terror that comes from it. The whole conception of God is a conception derived from the ancient Oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men. When you hear people in church debasing themselves and saying that they are miserable sinners, and all the rest of it, it seems contemptible and not worthy of self-respecting human beings. We ought to stand up and look the world frankly in the face. We ought to make the best we can of the world, and if it is not so good as we wish, after all it will still be better than what these others have made of it in all these ages. A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men. It needs a fearless outlook and a free intelligence. It needs hope for the future, not looking back all the time toward a past that is dead, which we trust will be far surpassed by the future that our intelligence can create.

I AM A PLAYWRIGHT. I HAVE A BRILLIANT & BEAUTIFUL MUSE. I WILL WRITE. WRITE. WRITE.

is REALLY EXCITED (and scared). IT WILL BE AWESOME (yes it will!)!

needs to stop feeling nostalgic ALL THE TIME,

gotta live in the present.

come on, baby steps. i can do it (: WHERE IS MY CHECKLIST?!


edit-

i miss singapore
i miss my dad
i miss my mum
i miss my brother
i miss my dog
i miss my cousins
i miss my grandma
i miss my friends
i miss the food
i miss the places
i miss the sports
i miss the convenience

i miss old london (of the past year)
i miss spring
i miss hph
i miss shiwei
i miss beautyworld
i miss eelintan

i miss my mum
i miss my dad
i miss nien
thanks for visiting last year


sigh. i have been wasting time. ok ok. bye bye. goodnight loves ♥

frustrate |ˈfrəsˌtrāt|verb [ trans. ]prevent (a plan or attempted action) from progressing, succeeding, or being fulfilled : his attempt to frustrate the merger.• prevent (someone) from doing or achieving something : an increasingly popular way to frustrate car thieves.See note at thwart .• cause (someone) to feel upset or annoyed, typically as a result of being unable to change or achieve something : [as adj. ] ( frustrating) it can be very frustrating to find that the size you want isn't there.



it can be frustrating talking to you at times. :(

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.

/cityofangels
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/City_of_Angels
sounds cliche. but i want to watch it.


You find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.

/samuel johnson

FINISH WRITING ACT 4 TODAY. MUST MUST MUST.

please help. thanks.

21/11
wants to watch bublé live, but tickets are sold out :(

wants to elope.

20/11
really enjoyed tonight ♥ Debra Lam (:

18/11
saw the craziest most insane wildest crowd at arctic monkeys tonight in wembley arena. at least 30 people were carried out from the front.

would like some answers to her questions

16/11
would like the ache plaguing her whole body to go away as much as she likes it

14/11
feels very loved. (: and a shoutout to EUNICE LIN ZHI'EN: LITTLE RED WAS PHARK-ING AWESOME. I got their CD and signatures and T-shirt. I've never done this in my life EVER, not even for my fiance. I'm so high.

i woke up at 0615
i have rehearsal at 0800-1000
lecture at 1100-1300
adding new signatory 1330-1400
masterclass at 1430-1730
madeleine peyroux at 1930-2200

and my printer refuses to work as usual.

sigh.

and heck lot to do.

good luck to us all.

things will work out and fall into place yes?

let's learn from the past
and make this even better

EFFICIENCY. PRODUCTIVITY. CONSTRUCTIVENESS.

LIBERTY. is life not just but a dream?

If I'm asleep, don't let me wake. If this is real, don't let me dream.
i would love to get my hands on the script of the version i just watched. (i am also itching to direct it. because i thought that though the direction was good, the actors kinda suck. so i would love to see the script and scrutinise it. hurhur) ahaha just found it online. it's £6.57 on amazon. or £8.99. hmmmmmm shall think about it. i probably wouldn't have time to read it anyway. just bought 4-5 books from my favourite second-hand bookseller from portobello. =D


it's almost 2am and i'm still awake when i have to wake in 2 hours. what am i doing?


you are a blessing.
thankyou.


mummy, i love you and all will be okay (or better).

ok i shall force myself to go to bed. goodnight loves.

♥ i love snail mail.

♥ i love my family (and fluffly).

♥ i love my grandma.

♥ i love my cousins.

♥ i love my friends.

♥ i love everybody.

you know who you are. (:


and cornwall rock oysters are love. ♥

:(

but thought today's first chorus rehearsals went pretty well. (:

hmm. hang in there. it'll all be okay. 

need to give more time to more people.

this public perception of me being very busy brings about two diverse reactions in me - 'indeed' & 'darn'.

the former is where i'm pleased that people realise how busy i am and how i'm up to my neck. and i like being busy (but i realised only to a certain extent (but I can't seem to be not busy). i've enjoyed far too much in torturing myself by packing myself so much such that my life is driven by events and deadlines. this reminds me of what sharonling pointed out a long time ago.) i really have to reevaluate my priorities. (and addictions). 

but i don't like it that people think i'm too busy for them. or that because i'm so busy that they cannot talk to me or they shouldn't disturb me. it saddens me. (and can annoy me when people say variations of 'it' almost ALL the time)

sigh. maybe i try too hard to do too many things and foster relationships with too many people that the quality is sacrificed because of the sheer quantity. but how can i cut any of these things or people out? how do i choose which/who is more important? it's too cruel on myself and others. and wayy too self-appreciating and hmm.. think-too-highly-of-self (is there a concise word for this?).

this is not the first time i'm acknowledging the problem. but it hit me again today when i realised how i'm (definitively) fully packed every day and night all the way till 27th november. on top of that, the sheer amount of school work and the equivalent effort i need to put in scares me. also was replying to all the fb wall posts. thinking about the different groups of friends accumulated since childhood. the promises to catch up, spend time over summer (summer actually just passed 2 months ago... so all the missed opportunities..) etc etc.

i hate how i can't give people my full attention, or even spend some time catching up. do i not put in enough effort? it really makes me feel crappy when i am fully aware how some people never fail to say hi when i come online, some stop after a while of being ignored or when i've said i'm busy far too many times and so on. :( people lost. potential-could-be-really-awesome-friends-missed-out-on. friends whom you drift apart from. 

i'm really really sorry.

am i coherent?

it's 2am, had vanilla latte (but caffeine hardly seems to have any effect) at 930pm after one-of-the-best-dinners-i've-ever-had-at-ASSA with drea, yingci & lynn. awesome girls night out. haven't had those in a while. it's these times, quality time spent with people, that i'm sorely missing out on. thank you girls (:

mummy, pa, i'm glad we're talking more regularly (sometimes). hur. it's really tough sometimes, but let's keep trying (:
nien, eunice, manel, shiwei, val. really really REALLY need to catch up with you guys soon.

sigh. time time time.. :( i need help. this really bugs me. how high should this be on the priority list?

i'm really really thankful for all the people who have stood by me.

i'm so tired. goodnight loves. 

♥

i suck.

sigh. people have to stop being nice to me. i don't deserve it.

sigh. there's so much i need to work on. 

i'm sorry everyone.

 Awesome and enlightening (: genius! brilliant brilliant session. i'm sooo glad i went. i love london! i love musicals. i love shakespeare (:


When I Marry Mr Snow Carousel
His name is Mister Snow, 
And an up-standed man is he. 
He comes home every night in his round-bottomed boat, 
With a net full of herring from the sea. 

An almost perfect beau, 
As refined as a girl could wish. 
But he spends so much time in his round-bottomed boat 
That he can't seem to lose the smell of fish. 

The first time he kissed me the whiff from his clothes 
Knocked me flat on the floor of the room. 
But now that I love him, my heart's in my nose 
And fish is my fav'rite perfume! 

Last night he spoke quite low, 
And a fair-spoken man is he. 
And he said "Miss Pipperidge, I'd like it fine 
If I could be wed with a wife. 
And indeed, Miss Pipperidge, if you'll be mine, 
I'll be yours for the rest of my life." 

Next moment we were promised, 
And now my mind's in a maze. 
For all it can do is look forward to 
That wonderful day of days! 

When I marry Mister Snow 
The flowers'll be buzzin' with the hum of bees 
The birds'll make racket in the church yard trees 
When I marry Mister Snow 
Then it's off to home we'll go. 
And both of us'll look a little dreamy-eyed 
A driving to a cottage by the Oceanside 
Where the salty breezes blow. 

He'll carry me 'cross the threshold, 
And I'll be as meek as a lamb. 
Then he'll set me on my feet, 
And I'll say kinda sweet, 
"Well, Mister Snow, here I am." 

Then I'll kiss him so he'll know 
That evry'thin'll be as right as right can be 
A living in a cottage by the sea with me 
For I love that Mister Snow. 
That young sea-faring, 
Bold and daring, 
Big bewhiskered, overbearing 
Darling Mister Snow


the innuendos in this are hilariously sweet. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApYDhnedlmI

___________________________________


Wait A Bit Just So
Why are those things you admire most in others the hardest to find in yourself?
What is it about me that seems to determine I'm destined to life on the shelf?
This 'wait-a-bit' character waiting to find whatever it is that I lack.
Whenever they ask the real me to step forward, the real me takes a step back.

'Wait a bit,' she says.
'Can't do it,' she says.
'Wait a bit,' she says, not really knowing what she's waiting for.
While he's outgoing, why do I withdraw?
Without conviction and yet somehow sure, 
A contradiction that will stay in my mind 'til the day that I find something more.

I'm searching for something they say is within me yet seems to be hidden from sight.
But why should I search when it's not in my nature to come out and stand in the light?
For my expectations are not all that great - just one dream I had hoped to fulfil
And yet when it came to the moment of truth, I proved to myself I must still

Wait-a-bit. Am I 
Just not fit to fly
When I came to try I watched the others as they soared and rose.
It seemed so effortless but then, who knows?
Beneath the surface sometimes torment grows. 
I plucked up courage for I knew I should fledge.
So I stood on the edge and I froze...

The flightless bird gets by without the flight.
But still I hoping that someday I might.
He made me feel I could soar.
Now only one thing seems sure,
I'll have to wait a bit more...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezNGMTtG-1o
Very nice song but her vocals are a bit shaky.

_____________________


A Bit of Earth Secret Garden
A bit of earth,
She wants a little bit of earth.
She'll plant some seeds.
The seeds will grow,
The flowers bloom,
But is their bounty
What she needs?

How can she chance
To love a little bit of earth?
Does she not know?
The earth is old,
And doesn't care if
One small girl wants things to grow.

She needs a friend.
She needs a father,
Brother, sister,
Mother's arms.
She needs to laugh.
She needs to dance,
And learn to work
Her girlish charm.

She needs a home,
The only thing she really needs 
I cannot give.
Instead she asks
A bit of earth
To make it live!

She should have a pony,
Gallop 'cross the moor.
She should have a doll's house
With a hundred rooms per floor.
Why can't she ask for a treasure?
Something that money can buy,
That won't die!
When I'd give her the world,
She asks, instead
For some earth.

A bit of earth,
She wants a little bit of earth,
She'll plant some seeds.
The seeds will grow,
The flowers bloom,
Their beauty just the thing she needs.
She'll grow to love the tender roses,
Lilies fair, the iris tall.
And then in fall, her bit of earth
Will freeze and kill them all.

A bit of earth, a bit of earth, 
A bit of earth, a bit of earth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRQrfOS8Qig
super sad

__________________________

Giants in the Sky Into the Woods
There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible Giants
in the sky!

When you're way up high 
And you look below
At the world you left
And the things you know,
Little more than a glance
Is enough to show
You just how small you are.

When you're way up high 
And you're own your own
In a world like none 
That you've ever known,
Where the sky is lead
And the earth is stone,

You're free, to do
Whatever pleases you,
Exploring things you'd never dare
'Cause you don't care,
When suddenly there's

A big tall terrible Giant at the door,
A big tall terrible lady Giant
sweeping the floor.
And she gives you food
And she gives you rest
And she draws you close
To her Giant breast,
And you know things now
that you never knew before,
Not till the sky.

Only just when you've made 
A friend and all,
And you know she's big
But you don't feel small,
Someone bigger than her
Comes along the hall
To swallow you for lunch.

And your heart is lead
And your stomach stone
And you're really scared 
Being all alone...

And it's then that you long
All the things you've known
And the world you've left
And the little you own-

The fun is done.
You steal what you can and run.
And you scramble down 
And you look below,
And the world you know
Begins to grow:

The roof, the house, and your Mother at the door.
The roof, the house and the world you never thought to explore.
And you think of all of the things you've seen,
And you wish that you could live in between,
And you're back again,
Only different than before,
After the sky.

There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible awesome scary wonderful
Giants in the sky! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c9KXiOI1yw
=D

__________________________


The Miller's Son Little Night Music
I shall marry the miller's son,
Pin my hat on a nice piece of property.
Friday nights, for a bit of fun,
We'll go dancing.
Meanwhile...

It's a wink and a wiggle and a giggle in the grass
And I'll trip the light fandango,
A pinch and a diddle in the middle of what passes by.
It's a very short road
From the pinch and the punch
To the paunch and the pouch
And the pension.
It's a very short road
To the ten thousandth lunch
And the belch and the grouch
And the sigh.
In the meanwhile,
There are mouths to be kissed
Before mouths to be fed,
And a lot in between
In the meanwhile.
And a girl ought to celebrate what passes by.

Or I shall marry the businessman,
Five fat babies and lots of security.
Friday nights, if we think we can,
We'll go dancing.
Meanwhile...

It's a push and a fumble and a tumble in the sheets
And I'll foot the highland fancy,
A dip in the butter and a flutter with what meets my eye.
It's a very short fetch
From the push and the whoop
To the squint and the stoop
And the mumble.
It's not much of a stretch
To the cribs and the croup
And the bosoms that droop
And go dry.
In the meanwhile,
There are mouths to be kissed
Before mouths to be fed,
And there's many a tryst
And there's many a bed
To be sampled and seen
In the meanwhile.
And a girl has to celebrate what passes by.

Or I shall marry the Prince of Wales,
Pearls and servants and dressing for festivals.
Friday nights, with him all in tails,
We'll have dancing.
Meanwhile...

It's a rip in the bustle and a rustle in the hay
And I'll pitch the quick fantastic,
With flings of confetti and my petticoats away up high.
It's a very short way
From the fling that's for fun
To the thigh pressing un-
Der the table.
It's a very short day
Till you're stuck with just one
Or it has to be done
On the sly.
In the meanwhile,
There are mouths to be kissed
Before mouths to be fed,
And there's many a tryst
And there's many a bed,
There's a lot I'll have missed
But I'll not have been dead
When I die!
And a person should celebrate everything
Passing by.

And I shall marry the miller's son...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouB_SMP0ziA
Hmmmm.


_____________________________


Oh What a Beautiful Morning Oklahoma!
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
An' it looks like its climbin' clear up to the sky.

Chorus:
Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
I've got a wonderful feeling,
Everything's going my way.
Repeat chorus

All the cattle are standing like statues,
All the cattel are standing like statues,
They don't turn their heads as they see me ride by.
But a little brown mav'rick is winking her eye.

Repeat chorus

All the sounds of the earth are like music,
All the sounds of the earth are like music,
The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree,
And an ol' Weepin' Willer is laughin' at me.

Repeat chorus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZbAKYQkP_Q
HUGH JACKMAN!

and yet it's 2am and i am awake.

the silly girl bought a pair of rugby tickets for england vs australia as my birthday present and said i could go with anyone i wanted to. haha. of course i only want to watch it with you. sigh. you are always there. today was a crappy day and reading your in-between-note-letter cheered me up (and make me feel really sad at the same time). am glad we talked, after so long.. (:

i am excited for my mad essay rush. =D i love studying.


even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, ''you owe me''.
look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky.

 
hmm

quiet, peaceful, beautiful.
autumn is (can be) very .. really .. i can't find the right word to truly describe it.
the cold chill of the air. the warmth and light of the sun. falling yellow/orange/red decomposing leaves that pepper the green grass.
the sun rays' soft reflection on the lake's surface, filtering through the trees.

sigh.
it's a pensive season.
i'm happy. and emo.

i don't really want to leave. (wish i could have captured it more tangibly than just memory)
but with so much at the back of my head and lists of things to do, i cannot fully appreciate and enjoy and just bask in that glory. :(
another time, maybe.

though it was a really good break. for some reason, i am not well rested. hmm.
it's time to go to the happy place and rest. later this morning, it's full steam on for studying and checking items off my list of to-dos. baby steps.

i really need to skype family, nien, manel, val, eunice and shiwei. sigh :(